Valentine’s Day

Dear Xander,

It’s the eve of Valentine’s Day. In view of your current experience (5 girls and counting over the last 2 years), your age (3 years and counting) and the number of aunties that want to marry their daughters off to you (I count 1 so far; remember to say hi to Auntie Janice on Facebook whenever you have the time), I think it prudent to give you a couple of tips to get you on track.

1. You’ve got to plan for these things. Good celebrations of love do not just arrive in your diapers. Make sure schedules are cleared for any activities you want to include for the day, gifts are promptly prepared and budgeted money is properly discussed with and claimed from the relevant department, i.e. your parents.
2. Gifts are compulsory for women (I can’t speak for men, but if you’re gonna go that way, we’ll deal with it as it goes along). Doesn’t matter if they say “You don’t have to get me anything”, or “Don’t, it’s such a waste of money”, or “All I want for Valentine’s Day is to know you love me”. You buy her a gift. End of story.
3. Flowers are out of the question until you get a job and pay for them yourself. I’m not going to sponsor something that frivolous for your puppy love shenanigans when opportunistic floral shops are jacking up prices during this time of year.
4. Try your best to get her something that is as thoughtful as possible; if possible, get her a gift that will make her cry. Works on your mother.
5. Avoid soft toys if possible. They’ll only end up being given to your girlfriend’s 3-year-old niece or nephew. Your wide collection of teddy bears is a prime example. In view of your age, however, you can always pick one of the bears in your collection to gift to your girlfriend in nursery school.
6. Make sure to have dinner plans. Having dinner with your girlfriend is great way to bond. When you’re tall enough to reach the kitchen counter, your mum and I will gladly teach you to cook up a killer steak and pasta ensemble with mashed potato and broccoli served with sparkling grape juice.

Most importantly, enjoy yourself as much as your partner enjoys your effort and company, because if you’re not, something is wrong with your relationship, and you may need our help breaking the news to Auntie Janice that her daughter may not be the one for you (I’ll cover “Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend” in another letter).

Happy Valentine’s Day, son. Your mother and I love you very, very much.

Dad